I made a blog called letterstobesties! You can write letters to your best friends, long-distance/online friends, long time best friends and submit photos of you and your friends! Because friendships need lovin’ too.
I haven’t posted anything yet because it’s going to mainly run on submissions and asks, but you should go check it out!
you’re welcome sweetie <3
Firstly, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like to lose someone to suicide.
But I do need to tell you that when they chose suicide, they weren’t doing it thinking ‘i’m going to leave so-and-so all alone to cope on their own and cause them to struggle even more’. No. They were focused on getting rid of their own pain.
I know you love them and you miss them, and I understand why you’re angry but please believe me when I say they didn’t do this to hurt you.
They were hurting and they thought it was their only option.
But it’s not. Suicide is never an option. Not even for you.
I don’t your relatives would want you to make the same decision they did. I don’t think they would want you to give up the rest of your life because of your struggles.
Do you know what you could do with this experience?
You could become a volunteer at AFSP and/or tell them your story. You could talk to kids younger than you about how suicide affects families. You could do fundraisers in your relatives’ honor. You could get yourself in therapy and begin to work through these feelings. You could become a family counselor or become a therapist for adults and/or adolescents.
You have the opportunity to save and change lives. It’s sad that you had to experience 3 losses, but because of that, you have this opportunity.
You don’t have to follow their footsteps. You don’t have to let this illness take over your life. Because you deserve life and you deserve to make a difference.
One thing that’s really difficult to hear when you are recovering from an eating disorder (especially one in which gaining weight is necessary) is “you look healthy”… and let’s face it- you are going to hear it.
It’s difficult not to be triggered by this type of comment, but what you have to remember is that "healthy" is a good thing. Your eating disorder is going to distort what the person said into “you’re fat”. You’re not. And that’s not what they are saying. They really do mean well by saying you look healthy. They don’t realize that your mind is going to take such a positive comment in such a negative way.
Healthy simply means you look good. It means you no longer look “sick”. And this includes so much more than just your weight. Your skin, your hair, your nails… they were all affected by being underweight and now they are all coming back to a healthy state. To be honest, when people say “you look healthy”, I think the last thing on their mind is your weight. They are focusing on your overall being. Healthy is strong.
Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to get back to healthy.
If you relapsed today IT’S OKAY. Everyone slips and everyone struggles with the recovery process. You are not a failure, weak, or stupid for relapsing. Do not give up on recovery because you slipped up. You can do this.
Patience is a requirement for recovery, though it is not easy to obtain.
You have spent so long being sick, relying on your sickness and identifying with it. ED behaviors, or self-harm, or alcohol/drug abuse, or pulling hair, etc has become your friend. It is what you know and it is always there for you. You had no desire to get better. You wanted to stay with your sickness forever. You didn’t care if you died or coped this way for the rest of your life.
But then…something finally gives and you change your mind. Whatever your reason may be, you now know you do want to get better. You want to have a healthy life, mind and body. You want peace and freedom.
But the problem is you want it right now.
So you decide to give recovery a shot; maybe you reach out for help, throw away your tools, listen to positive music, try healthy coping mechanisms, etc. But you’re still kind of frustrated. Because you still get urges, you still cry, you still have breakdowns, panic attacks…and sometimes you relapse. And then you become more frustrated because you thought it wouldn’t (or maybe didn’t want it to be) this hard. After all, you’ve been surrounded and bombarded with people’s victories, accomplishments; you see how much happier they are, how well their therapy appointments go, how much support they receive and so much more. And you want all of that.
You want health and life and happiness so bad that maybe you’ve forgotten to focus on how you’re going to get there.
Recovery has not nor will it ever be easy. You are not only changing your behaviors, you are changing your thoughts and your attitude.
Remember that you spent years hating yourself, destroying yourself, isolating yourself…this is not going to be an easy fix.
This is going to take more than a few weeks, few months or even a year or two.
Be patient with yourself.
You will learn things about yourself that you have forgotten or didn’t even know about in the first place. You may discover that you have a passion for something you’ve never tried before recovery, or how strong your will power really is, or how high your level of critical thinking is, or how amazingly beautiful your body is, etc.
Recovery is not only healing yourself from your past, it’s discovering yourself…shaping in to a new version of you; one that has gone through terrible pain and heartache and came out of it alive.
You have gone through so much, and you will go through a lot while in recovery.
You will have good days where you conquer a fear food, go a week without hurting yourself, say no to a drink, get yourself through a panic attack, listen to music instead of your suicidal thoughts.
But you will also have days where breathing is the most you can manage, the blade will become your friend for the day, food is terrifying for the next few days, pills seem like a good idea again, your suicidal thoughts bring up seemingly excellent points.
You are not failing. You are not returning to the sick version of you. No. You are being shown that you have grown. Notice how when you relapse, you are more often than not, angry with yourself, disappointed, frustrated and upset. And guess what?
That is a sign of change. That is a sign of growth. Because remember that before this choice to recover, you had no desire to crush your illness.
Be patient. You will recover but you have to give it time.